S1 E4: When Your Child’s Path Looks Different Than You Expected

What happens when your child’s life path, diagnosis, or identity doesn’t match the future you dreamed of?

In this honest, episode of Motherhood and the Messy Middle, we talk about what it’s like to parent a child whose journey—because of neurodivergence, mental health, or other challenges—looks different than expected.

Whether you’re raising a child with special needs, or simply holding space for a different kind of motherhood, you’ll find support and hope here.

✨ Topics we explore:
 — Quiet grief and unspoken mom guilt
 — Letting go of expectations in parenting
 — Accepting your child for who they are
 — The power of curiosity and compassion

This conversation is tender, relatable, and rooted in grace. If you’ve ever whispered “this isn’t what I pictured,” this episode is for you.

🎧 Listen now and share with a mom who needs encouragement in the messy middle of parenting.

Thanks for joining us in the Messy Middle!

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This podcast is for moms navigating the real, raw, and redeeming parts of motherhood-and we’re so glad you’re here.

Transcript

Robin: 0:01

What do you do when the child you dreamed of isn't the one standing in front of you? Maybe you expected a mini version of yourself and got something beautifully, wildly different, or maybe the path that your child is on. It just wasn't the one that you pictured, whether it's a diagnosis, a detour, or a completely different identity. This episode is for every mom navigating the quiet grief and fierce love that coexist when expectations meet real life. Welcome to episode four of Motherhood and the Messy Middle, where we're talking about the parts of motherhood that don't make it into the milestone albums, but absolutely shape who we become.

0:44

Welcome to motherhood and the Messy Middle where grade school meets grown kids. Hot flashes meet holy fire, and no topic is too messy for this village. I'm Robin. One half of the voice behind this podcast. Nicole and I are two moms who slid into each other's dms and built a virtual village where we are inviting you in into our honest, healing, and often hilarious conversations. Help you feel not so alone. In the beautiful chaos of motherhood and midlife, we talk about what it really means to mother to grow, to fall apart and rebuild spiritually, emotionally, hormonally, and sometimes all before breakfast. So whether you're in the thick of motherhood, facing perimenopause, praying hard, or just tired of pretending, you're fine. This face is for you. Let's dive in.

Robin: 1:37

Alright, Nicole, today we're gonna talk about something that most moms experience in some way, but really not enough of us. Talk about what happens when your kids don't turn out how you expected. And I'm just gonna ask you, how would you answer that question? I.

Nicole: 1:51

I feel like this is my entire identity as a mom because we talked about, I didn't necessarily go into motherhood with a lot of expectations, but what I've learned about expectations that they're hidden, they're, they exist and I don't necessarily know that they're there until something shifts and it doesn't look how I thought it was going to look, even though I wasn't consciously setting an expectation. So how I answer that question is with. Curiosity. You. You meet that. That new what? New what it looks like to enter into something new that you didn't expect. With curiosity. Get to know the version of your child. Get to know their diagnosis. Dive deeper into what that new looks like so that you can adjust accordingly, your motherhood journey to support what they need and what you need. And I also think there's a little bit of grief in that and that you're allowed and you should honor that, that. It doesn't look how you thought it was going to, and that's okay to experience some sadness about that. That doesn't make you a bad mom. I think that it's good to honor where you're at. That's so important.

Robin: 2:58

Well, I mean, me hearing you say that it's something that I've had to work on in a lot of therapy, and that's one of the reasons I'm so glad that we're friends because, uh, you repeat and reiterate the things that I often forget and one of them is. That how I feel is valid and my feelings don't make or shape me as a mother even when I feel grief for those missed expectations. Uh, what does I believe for me make a good mother is that consciousness that you were talking about, like being aware of where those feelings are so that they don't come out sideways. Mm-hmm. And that you can create space to truly, you know, surrender for what is so that we can, we can. Meet what is with love and compassion, but the missing piece that so many of us don't hit the mark on is that love and compassion needs to be for ourselves as well. Mm-hmm. In the process. Mm-hmm. And that's why all of this is about, it's messy. It's not just like a lock step checklist process because all of this is happening in real time with humans who are changing in all of the different, different moments. And you know, I've. There's just so many PA parts of the motherhood journey that it really has been hidden expectations.

4:19

Mm-hmm.

Robin: 4:20

You know, for me, um, going through IVF to have my daughter, and then she had a genetic, uh, diagnosis of a genetic abnormality at three months old, and it was a really traumatic process going through all of that. That's what I thought was going to be the missed expectations. Mm-hmm. Not like the, you know. End of third grade, and she's still struggling with her multiplication tables

4:43

mm-hmm.

Robin: 4:44

That I wasn't anticipating until it actually happened. Right, right, right. So there's

Nicole: 4:49

even things for me that I think about, that are just like natural and normal expectations. I expected that my stepdaughter at the time and my husband and I got married that, she would have a wedding and a baby shower and a graduation and, you know, both sets of her parents would be there. But that's not how it shaped out. She didn't end up having a graduation at all. So we couldn't have all even been there but there's this, there's that process, especially as our kids get older, that in family dynamics you think, oh, like that. That's just not, that will just happen. And then when it doesn't, you're like, oh, okay, like that looks different. But then I can flip it and honor her and also honor how I'm feeling that like it's a little. I'm a little bit sad that I won't get to experience that while also being equally happy in who she is as an individual. Or when my son was diagnosed with autism, what does that look like? That changed everything that was really hard for me to get. I. And even now, back then I got my expectations shifted on what his future might look like. But honestly, he's grown in such ways that it doesn't, I feel like I had these multiple shifts of expectations, uh, like a typical. You know, teenage years, adult years, and then a neurotypical what I expected it to look like. And then now it's just who he is and it's, he's exceeded all of my expectations, but there's so many layers to it.

Robin: 6:15

Yeah, definitely. And I think one thing that I have known really well is this whole concept of grief. And most of us, mm. Think of grief in the way of a, a death of a, of a person, right? And I've had a lot of deaths in my life. And, um, but grief is really the loss of anything. It can be the loss of a job, it can be the loss, like we're saying right now, of an expectation. And in my grief journey with my dad, with his early onset dementia, I learned about an aspect of grief. That's grief, that's called anticipatory grief. Hmm. And you know, now that I am about to come upon the two year mark of his passing, I reflect really heavily on how that anticipatory grief showed up in my life and how it compares right now to this, this different grief. Mm-hmm. And there's gonna be layers to that. Um, I'm experiencing it in a different way with my daughter. We just wrapped up, uh, her recreational dance season and she was in jazz lyrical, and Oh, she was so cute. And it's just like we've seen her grow so much in her growth, gross motor skills and all of these things, and. She really prefers singing and acting, but dancing is part of that, especially with how competitive things are. And so we wanted her to be prepared. And she said that this is the last year that she's going to be doing this recreational dance. And so for me, I'm feeling grief around that. Mm-hmm. And even in the moment watching these last performances, I was just weeping because I was, I was feeling all of it, and truly it is. And. Anticipatory because we don't actually know that that's what's gonna happen. Mm-hmm. Especially'cause, you know, I might be trying to plant some seeds to get her to do this recreational dance thing, just like maybe one more year. Yeah. Um, and then there will be things I know that could happen in the future with that. That might bring that grief up again. So there's like that anticipatory grief, then there's grief of when something happens and then there's the aftermath of, yeah, oh, they didn't make that milestone, or they didn't get that. And you're seeing someone else. And that can show up in so many different time periods.

8:37

Mm-hmm.

Robin: 8:38

But the power comes in recognizing it and mm-hmm. And normalizing that it's okay to feel those ways. Right. And that we can be, if we need to be. A weeping mess at the same time that we're celebrating that present moment.

8:55

Mm-hmm.

Robin: 8:56

I've struggled a lot in my life with like dissociating and getting caught up in whatever that emotion is and then missing whatever that present

9:03

Yeah.

Robin: 9:03

Moment could be. Mm-hmm. Um, and that's what I'm afraid of for, for, for myself. Mm-hmm. As expectations are missed. And for, for moms, you know, going forward,

Nicole: 9:14

I think something that helped me too, as I really started diving into expectations is identifying the root of my expectation because. I felt like a handful of times when I really started digging deep of what, why I had that expectation where that root came from. I realized that root didn't actually identify with who I was or who I was as a mother. Like that root was maybe because that's how I was raised, and so when I really got down to it, I was just replicating something that I didn't actually believe in. Not that it was wrong, but it just didn't identify with who I was as a mother, but it because it was. What I had seen and experienced, I was duplicating it or expecting it to be duplicated. And then so once I realized, wait, that doesn't actually fit who I am, it was much easier to let that go. Like, okay, wait, like I. I actually like this new thing, and so I think really peeling back the layers of identifying where that root is. If it's the way you were raised or what you're seeing, are you comparing to things on social media? Are you comparing to other families around you that can really help you? I dunno, kind of categorize where this expectation is and if it's true to you and if it's, if it is, then yeah, what we're saying, honoring it and maybe it maybe, but maybe you also find that it's not, and you can release it and embrace the new expectation that you have.

Robin: 10:35

What do you find as you're looking at the root cause of these expectations? Has had more weight for you in forming those, the way you were raised or the societal things that you're seeing in the comparison between, you know, people within your, your spiritual? I think it's societal for me personally.

Nicole: 10:55

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I think I have to not even,

Robin: 10:57

so where does that, that show up when you're looking at it? Like, is it, is it in in real life when you know your kid is on a team and then they're with other kids? Or is it social media? How is that showing up for you?

Nicole: 11:10

I think that I see it more in just my own internal, for instance I was recently talking about how many screens I have in my house, and we have a lot. We have a lot of gamers. I have three boys. Husband's a gamer, and so like that's an expectation for me. I assume that other people don't have as many screens as I do, and really realistically that's probably true. People probably don't have as many screens as we do, but I'm just using this as example, so like I assume that. It behind the walls of other people's homes. They don't have as many screens as we do. And that's something that unless you're in someone's home, you really don't know how many screens someone has in their home. But I have like this hidden expectation that every single home has far less screens than I do. And so then I'm a bad mom because I have more screens. But reality is, I have no idea. Except for the handful of close friends that I have that have been in their houses and know how many screens, I don't have any idea how many screens everybody has, but I internally think that I'm a bad mom'cause nobody else has as many screens. But I, I genuinely have no idea. I. How did, how did I get there? Like how did, I don't, I don't know. I genuinely don't know how my mind, but I think that's a normal process for us.

Robin: 12:20

A hundred percent. You know, it connects to when I'm working with women on like holistic wellness and, and weight loss. Ident. Being able to be aware and identifying our thoughts because there is a natural part of being human that we place judgment. It's actually part of a survival mechanism, not only judgment on others in order to develop safety and security, but judgment on ourselves so that we can. Evolve and that we can being, you know, being part of a group is part of what we need as humans. Mm-hmm. In order to feel like we are able to do anything else. Mm-hmm. To fit in.

13:01

Mm-hmm.

Robin: 13:02

And yet. The judgments are what can really drag us down. And even hearing you talk, like that's what I, I see. I hear things and then I see them in my head as like pictures. And it almost feels like these cords that are pulling you down, like tethering you to all of these screens. Mm-hmm. And it's just a screen. Right. And when you talk about, like when, when we've had the conversation about the screens in your home. I see it as like, wow, maybe I should have more. Because it sounds like you have a really great, great way to nurture the children that you have. And in my home, we're battling the screen. Mm-hmm. And it's, it's this, it's the energy behind all things that really creates, there is no good or bad. It's the energy behind it that creates whether or not it's good or bad. And, um, you know, I'm a mindfulness. Practitioner and in mindfulness, it's about paying attention to the present moment without judgment.

14:00

Mm-hmm.

Robin: 14:01

Releasing those judgments. But it takes practice and so hard and, and it's part of being human, right? Mm-hmm. And I'm not, I'm not trying to teach people nor myself to be. Above being human. It's how do we be the best humans that we can be? How can we be the best mothers that we can possibly be And mm-hmm. It's by being present and really tuning into what is developing that awareness for the different emotions that come up when we can name them. That's what diminishes the shame. Right. And when we speak it into the world, especially in like a sacred soul sisterhood and into our villages, that's when that energy that is bringing us down. It dissolves.

14:42

Mm-hmm.

Robin: 14:43

Very good. And so I'm just really glad that we have opened up this conversation today about the reality that, that we all have missed expectations. Right. It's okay that we have expectations. Yes. It's okay that we miss them.

14:56

Mm-hmm.

Robin: 14:56

It's okay that we feel grief. The thing that would not be okay is pretending like that doesn't happen.

Nicole: 15:04

Right. Right. That and being tactically positive about

Robin: 15:07

it.

Nicole: 15:07

Yes. And. Yeah. No, I, mm-hmm. I lost my thought. I agree with what you're saying. I think that, yeah, the.

Robin: 15:15

It's'cause I stole your thought.'cause it's, well, it's so good. Yeah. It's accepting our kids as they are and then accepting ourselves as we are. Such that too.

Nicole: 15:23

Yes. There's such beau. I mean, I know it's a process to get there, but man, when you like get there, it is so freeing to really, even going back to the screens, anytime I get in a loop of oh my gosh, we have too many screens and I'm ruining them. And I think about each of my kids as individuals and they're pretty great kids and they're pretty well rounded, so. Is the screen ruining them? I don't think so, and I just have to center myself on who they actually are, where their strengths are, where their gifts are, their character, their heart. Okay. I think we're doing okay. If I'm messing up on the screens, that's okay. The core things are, we're doing, we're doing okay. And it's, it's, it's really freeing to get there. Yeah. And that's, but it starts with acknowledging where you're at and acknowledging those feelings and not holding onto the shame of it.

Robin: 16:09

And that's the goal. Mm-hmm. Is the freedom. That space to be able to really tune into what is and navigate and pivot, and know that the only expectation that any of us will meet is that we will mess up.

Nicole: 16:24

Mm-hmm.

Robin: 16:24

We absolutely will mess up

Nicole: 16:26

and offer.

Robin: 16:27

Go ahead.

Nicole: 16:28

Well, to piggyback on that is that you're going to mess up and giving yourself that grace. And I think the more that we've talked about this in previous episodes, you give yourself that grace and the more your kids will see you as human, you allow yourself to be human for you. And then you can display that for your kids too, that I am just a human. I will get it wrong. I will learn, I'll overcome, I'll do different. And that's a powerful message too, for yourself to continually. Train yourself that you can mess up and you can try again. There's nothing is final and then it's example for your kids too. And I think that, um, that's where you find hope is in how your kids meet you in that, and that gives hope for the future of what it looks like when expectations don't match up with what you thought.

Robin: 17:17

Oh, well, I love that. You know, to wrap up today's conversation, I'm actually gonna read a quote that I have written on my wall, and it's from Pope Francis' book, hope That You Know, is Near and Dear to my Heart. Mm-hmm. And in that book, he defines hope as the force for living in the present with courage and a capacity to look toward the future. That's amazing. That's perfect. So as our kids are growing, we are going to have expectations of how they will most likely show up now and as they continue to grow. But often that reality is gonna write a different story and we can, through recognizing all of that, cultivate hope and knowing that. You are not alone. Wherever you're at in your expectations for your children, for your life, and especially for yourself, that we each have the capacity to feel however we need to, and then shift into what it is and really nurture that reality. So I'm so glad to have had this conversation with you today, Nicole, trying to shine that light and really end the shame, especially the shame spirals that can emerge for each of us. So what we ask is that if this episode spoke something. In you. I hope that you'll share it with another mom who might silently be carrying similar feelings. Our goal is to break the silence by sharing this episode, by having these conversations and reminding each other that there's so much beauty in the unexpected. Now, if you haven't done it yet, please scroll down and leave us a quick rating or review. It really helps other moms find this. Base and it helps us keep these conversations going, especially in the early days of this podcast and growing this virtual village of support for moms in all seasons. Thank you for being here. You're doing so much better than you might think that you are. And we'll see you in the next episode.

Nicole: 19:09

Bye guys.

19:10

Hey, before you go, we've got something just for you. We created the motherhood and the messy middle resource vault. It's a growing library of support that's just for you. So inside you're gonna find tools from both Nicole and my work plus resources that we mention right here on the podcast. It's free, it's sent straight to your inbox, and it's always evolving just like you. So take what you need, leave the rest. You never know when you're gonna need it or when your group chat might thank you for it. So use the link in the show notes or head to motherhood and the messy middle.com to get access and welcome to your virtual village.